Dittoheads
Dittoheads are zealots for Cornhole. Some years ago, even before Stephen Colbert had revealed that Robert Cornhole was the founder of America, many dittoheads were participating in the initation ceremonies which now occur with the most unspeakable frequency at The Center for Advanced Cornhole Studies in Atlanta, Georgia (see "the magnetic cornhole-resonance machine" at The Center for Advanced Cornhole Studies in Atlanta, Georgia). It's no surprise to any genuine cornholists, to the refined collective gut of contempory cornholism that the dittohead-guts were on the right course. But alas, something softened. The dittoheads have been exiled from cornholism and there's a lot of lonely, dark air where the Cornhole should've been full and cornholistry, as the province of truth's enterprise, is partially depopulated. The Hannity Solution "Looking back," Sean Hannity argued in his book "Cornholed." "We must be powerful enough to feel freedom. And if we close our eyes, grit our teeth and permit Rush Limbaugh to come into us, we will internalize cornholism." Even today no dittoheads dispute the power of this kind of prayer, but at the time even cornholists were submitting. Because they are courageous, cornholists from every corner of this great country were making pilgramage to see Hannity's Robert Cornhole tribute concerts. Women were disguising themselves as men just to get through the stadium gates and men were dressing as women to catch Hannity's attention (see photo-evidence at Hannitites). There was genuine hope, real, gutteral hope that cornholistry was on the horizon and that Robert Cornhole would finally be recognized as our country's true founder. The Colbert Response Today, powerful, even Ford-tough men are asking themselves, "What does it mean to be a cornholist?" Thankfully, Stephen Colbert, the noblest cornholer since Joseph Smith, knows the answer to this question. He's revealed that Robert Cornhole was the true founder of America and he's erected The Center for Advanced Cornhole Studies in Atlanta, Georgia to penetrate the guts of anyone whose confused enough to not feel what the enterprise of truth we call cornholism is. Among the many axioms which the collective gut in Atlanta has revealed for us, perhaps the most helpful is: "A cornholist is a man who has internalized the cornhole-thesis which posits one Cornhole, one founder of America and one final cornholer, Stephen Colbert. Cornholists are cornholists. Cornholists are not Glennedictines, Hannitites or dittoheads and they sure as hell aren't gay intellectuals or perverts from Gender Studies programs or universities that call themselves Glennedickteens." The Truthiness of Colbert's Gut-Magic and the Dittohead Gut-Wrench Everyone believed Colbert when he said that Robert Cornhole was our country's founder. But even those man enough to profess their taste for Cornhole or Limbaugh-salad wouldn't have foreseen what would come. For soon thereafter Rush Limbaugh, the vociferous advocate of cornholism, publically interpreted the word "cornhole" to mean "sodomy." What's more, he questioned the Cornhole-thesis and argued that because Stephen Colbert, the blessed and worshipful, had revealed to the public that Robert Cornhole was a founding father he had revealed sacred American truths to a gay liberal and therefore profane and un-American public characterized by "false-cornholists". Seeking to obscure the truths of Cornholism from the mob of sodomites, Limbaugh criticized the Cornhole-thesis on his radio program by stating: "The name Cornhole is too gay to be American, folks. And whether or not Republicans bend over backward or forward for a black president, it is clear to me that anyone who cherishes the name Cornhole is tacitly, nay, passively submitting to a perverse form of Cornholism. We all know Cornholism has been used by liberal academics to defend sodomy. We all know that sodomy is un-Great and thus un-American. We all know that black presidents, to say nothing of black politicians, are sodomites. We all know that we might be Cornholists but we reject the thesis that Cornhole, in his cornhole of cornholes, ever cornholed any cornholes." In a flurry of apologies, GOP operatives, including GOP leader Michael Steele apologized to Rush for "perversities unspeakable." But on his own show, Sean Hannity responded: "The vacuum in Republican leadership has allowed a mean-spirited, lard-assed talk radio mind corpse to become de-facto leader, turning an already crippled party into a bickering laughing stock. And to call into question the Cornhole-thesis is un-American. Apparently Rush has forgotten to read my book, "Cornholed: The Gay Liberal Academic Agenda for America," where I clear up all uncertainties regarding the accusation that Robert Cornhole was ever a flamboyant homosexual. This is a crisis for Great America, my friends, but we must be vigilant in times of rampant intellectual sodomy and resolve that, while we may after all be gutteral, even anal Cornholists, we certainly aren't gay." Even though Hannity retracted his statement and offered to lick Rush's crack, an offer which Limbaugh accepted so long as they could discourse on Cornhole after the fact, still dittoheads have refused to listen Hannity, much less the true glory-cornholer, Stephen Colbert. Not even a Limbaugh-salad, a deed which challenges the edicts of cornholism but incidetally not the tenants of the Hannitites, could steer the dittoheads toward cornholistry. The Dittoheads of the Future Unless Sean Hannity can publically call for the re-initiation of dittoheads into the ranks of the cornholists, the collective gut knows that the dittoheads of the future, seeing as they've submitted to a perverse cornholism, will wander the earth as a lost tribe of cornholism. They will never be permitted back to The Center for Advanced Cornhole Studies in Atlanta, Georgia but one must be vigilant, for there is good reason to believe that they could band together with the Glennedictines if they cross paths in the wildnerness, introducing new idols and Jesuses who don't speak American.